Ramblings and Tragedy

Last Monday a classmate of mine died in a tragic accident. I barely knew him and only had classes with him in elementary school. When I got to school Tuesday and learned of his drowning, I was deeply saddened. I could not figure out why I was so affected by it, perhaps it was the freak spontaneity of it all. But by Friday I knew that I was scared for myself. His death was a wake up call. Life is so short, so fragile, that taking a mere moment for granted is insane. It reminded me of when I fell a couple weeks ago and I had a deep bleeding gash from a little trip! It made me realize how human our bodies are...we have this idea that we're immortal and indestructible, but in reality, we are what YHVH says we are. We are weak, we are vulnerable, and not a day is promised to us because we are sinners. Facing this was like a giant blow to the heart. It made me question if God has a plan for me at all...what am I doing here? what if I am not living up to the purpose he intended me to have? and what if I am next? What does he need me here for; everyday I mess up and sin against his Torah. Sometimes I forget to repent or don't even notice I am sinning.

Adonai has been pruning me a lot lately and I can't help but feel that this death has a purpose in my transformation as a Christian. He's been putting me in situations where I need to trust him, something I am terrible at. Relinquishing control of my life is so hard, but it is so essential in our walk with YHVH. I need to let go of this fear of death, after all, isn't death what unites us with our Creator? But I can't help but feel like I have so much to offer this world, so much comfort I can give, so many tears I can wipe away, and so much love, the Gospel itself, I need to spread. I am perfectly healthy, so technically I have nothing to worry about, but none of us know when YHVH will call us back. How can I accept the fact that I have no control over my life? I don't know yet, but this just proves to me how blind our walk with YHVH is. And that is how he wants it; he wants us to cling to him in everything we do... As if we are all trapped in a pitch black cave where the only safety and security we have is in his all powerful hand.

So I guess the point of this post is to trust in Him and to never forget the miracles we have recieved in the past. My classmate died on Memorial Day, a day we remember the efforts of our past. This is something YHVH commands of us, to remember him and the blessings he has given and will always give his children. His commands are shown in the feasts of the OT. Each year we commemorate Adonai's faithfulness, which he has shown throughout the generations. So don't be afriad to trust in him, even when the path is completely dark.

From YHVH, with Love.

I found this quote on a website and it truly touched me. It is the epitome of my ongoing current struggle and the words just comfort my soul. So I shall share it with you! :)



I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is you satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me--exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing--one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you--just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things--keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things that I tell you--you must wait.
Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up at me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And, then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me...and this is perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know I love you utterly. I am almighty. Believe and be satisfied.
- Unknown Author